The Fence

So I left El Dorado, AR and went to Little Rock for a two day work trip. I was super excited to be reunited with my two friends (husband and wife) who recently moved from El Dorado to Little Rock, AR to pursue their fortunes in a big city. I was also looking forward to spending the night in their swanky new flat (it is nice ya’ll). As we neared their place, she suggested that we park behind her house and slip in through her back yard fence. This would keep us from having to walk really far with our shopping bags, groceries and an active toddler (she is adorable). The plan seemed sensible and being the lazy girl that I am, I quickly agreed (it had been a long day, a story for another blog). As we pulled in to the parking space directly in front of her back yard, I gathered my things and lined them inside the back yard, on the other side of the fence.

The back yard was encased in a wrought iron fence. The fence was much like the one pictured here except with slightly larger spacing.  First, my friend’s husband who is tall and slender slipped effortlessly between the bars to the other side. He then assisted his little girl who is equally as slender. As I handed him the last bag of groceries, I decided to cross to the other side. I cautiously put my foot through the bar. Except….something was not quite right. My thighs felt tight and the more of my torso that I added, the more resistance I met. Undaunted, I decided to try leading with my upper body. I squiggled and squeezed (I felt like I was getting a free mammogram).

Side note, October is breast cancer awareness month, ladies please make sure to do a monthly self exam. It takes less than a minute and it is free. For more information please visit  Susan G.Komen for the Cure . 

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Alas, not even half a boob could go through the fence. Again, I decided to employ a different approach and lead with my entire left side. As I squirmed to get even a couple inches past, I had a vision of a scene from Lord of the Rings. The more I struggled, the more the scene where Gandalf yelled, “You shall not pass! You shall not pass! You shall not pass!” flashed through my mind. I finally decided to give up. My friend gave me an understanding but sympathetic smile. I stood there, wishing the ground would open and swallow me up. I couldn't dare to ask her to help squish me through, but I could not go on trying to squeeze through the fence, looking like Free Willy (you get this reference if you were raised in the 90’s). I simply did not want to try until I got trapped (that is not how I want to be featured on the 5 O’clock news).

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Alas, the skinny gods had decided that I was not to pass. I have read novels and watched movies where the skinny girl had a fat friend, but I had never really thought about it in real life. Then it dawned on me, I.was.the.fat.friend! (Ish got real…very fast). As I stood on the other side, looking longingly at the door that was only a couple feet away, I felt a wave of frustration well up inside me. Sensing my discomfort, my friend asked her husband if he would mind walking me around to the main entrance while she took the baby inside. He acquiesced and again effortlessly glided in-between the fence posts back to the outside. His wife picked up the diaper bag and she too squeezed her fit frame through the fence to the other side.

As we walked to the main gate, I felt a sense of sadness. How had this become? How had the junk in my trunk increased exponentially? How was it that I could not even dare to squeeze even one lovely lady lump on to the other side of the fence?

Have you experienced something similar or have you been denied entrance through the "fence" of life? If so, how did you handle it? Feel free to comment.

                                  

Awkward Moments

Has there ever been a time in your life that you wished that the ground would open up and swallow you whole? Well, it happens to me frequently. You see, I have a serious case of awkwardness. A friend of mine used to highlight these moments by exclaiming “open mouth, insert foot!” after my frequent awkward and often embarrassing events. When those moments occurred, I would be extremely chagrined and time crept by at a chelonian pace. By now I should be used to it, but I am not. I should wear a warning sign that sates “Hi, I am awkward.” Yes, I am talking about me. My brother left me a voicemail telling me he found an internet show that depicted my life. He gets me. He knows that I am awkward and he accepts me. There are some awkward moments that are more memorable than others. I have detailed 20 moments below that have changed my life.

THAT AWKWARD MOMENT…..

1. When you think you see your friend, walk up behind them, give them a big hug only to realize that you just hugged a complete stranger.
 
2. When you engage in the same acts described in #1 but this time, accidentally grab the said stranger’s boob, only to realize that you just assaulted a complete stranger.
 
3. When you either accidentally “butt dial” someone or forget to hang up the phone and you not only talk about the person, but reveal intimate details about yourself.
 
4. When you are a passenger in someone’s car and a song that you absolutely hate comes on radio and you want to change the station but you can’t. Just as you are screaming in your head for it to stop, your friend turns up the volume and exclaims how much they love the song.
 
5. When you enter the restroom and realize that someone had committed WWIII, you turn to leave just as someone you know enters. You see the disgust on their face, you want to explain that it was not you, but are afraid that you would be confirming their suspicion by your denials.
 
6. When you pass someone you know several times and are doubtful whether you should engage in salutations again for the 100^th time.
 
7. When you engage in salacious gossip about someone only to realize they are standing behind you.
 
8. When you see someone again and even though they are extremely happy to see you their name escapes you.
 
9. When you are happy to see someone again,only to realize they don't remember you, nor do they want to interact with you.
 
10. When you are on a first date and your hair extension falls on the table in front of your very shocked date.
 
11. When you are shopping at Wal-mart and you momentarily turn around and accidentally grab someone’s cart, but you do not realize it until you are at the checkout counter.
 
12.  When you want to talk to someone, realize that your breath needs about 1,000 tic-tacs, but you have no gum or breath fresheners.
 
13. When you are at a family function and are one of three people dancing. The rest of the party goers are sitting there watching and you feel you’re on display like an animal at the zoo.
 
14. When you are the only one dressed at a nude beach and a completely nude man wearing nothing but jewelry walks up to you and offers you a margarita.
 
15. When introductions are being made and you quickly jump up and speed through your part, only to realize that you skipped someone and the entire room erupts in laughter.
 
16. When you hear a phrase on a TV show and begin using it, only to realize that it is completely inappropriate (thank you South Park).
 
17. When you send a message meant for one person to an entire listserv.
 
18. When you act inappropriately towards an individual and then see them in church the next day.
 
19. When you take your car for an oil change but your car is so riddled with clutter, you are embarrassed to relinquish the keys.
 
20. When you go up to the front of church for prayer only to realize that they mistakenly think you are there to join the church!

I have a memory bank of awkward and embarrassing moments. I have shared some of mine with you. You can read about other people's awkward moments here . 

What are some of your awkward moments?