Tuesday, February 21, 2012

Musings of the mind: how this Diva abandoned “self” and found “other.”

Like many people, in life, I am always in a hurry. My body might be here, but for the most part, my mind is always somewhere else. This has been something that I work to correct on a daily basis. My day dreaming started as a little girl. I would zone out and envision a life that others could never imagine. It is that world that I was queen. It is that world that made perfect sense. In that world I was normal. I have to admit, even in my mind, that world was too good to be true, the stuff dreams are made of. I used to think that other people were given a secret formula to life that bypassed me far and wide.

As I grew older, I learned to harness this imagination and eventually locked it in a small recess in the back of my mind. I got an education like most people and I obtained a nine to five in order to survive. I remember being sad when I finally realized that there are parts of this world that I will never see, never set foot on. Once I came to the realization, I began to resent reality. It pained me to think that enjoyment was something we had to plan. I had to constantly remind myself that even the long revered myth of unicorns was just that, a fictitious invention. The thought of a world without something so beautiful gripped tightly at my heart. Perhaps unicorns don’t exist because they are so perfect. Only the creative fictitious world that I created as a child could hold them.

For twenty-six years, I walked around attempting to assimilate. Conforming to what the society had embedded into me to identify myself. I immersed myself into this ID tag with all my might. It is this complex thing called “self” that I worked hard to be. I recall people telling me how “extroverted” and “outgoing” I was. Even though I lived it, breathed it and it was in front of my face, I did not see it. I still did not get it. They never saw the preparation it took to go into a room, they never sensed the nervousness, nor did they see the slight smile behind the pleading eyes that begged to know exactly what they were thinking and only begged for kindness. So, I became "self." I accepted their view of me and I played with the cards I was dealt, never letting them know that I was lost all the while.

 At twenty-six, I met someone who did not demand much. He did not see what they, the society saw. He saw the “other.” Slowly, he coaxed her out. He marveled at my imagination and listened as I described my dreams in detail, and he demanded more. The more he fed me, the more I wanted. I unfurled and reveled in his warm glow. I stopped thinking about "self" and instead, focused on the "other."

My awareness started to emerge but did not fully exit the shadows until three years later. Once the "other" took root, I abandoned "self." I embraced the bold vixen that emerged. I nurtured her and welcomed her albeit late appearance. It was in my 30th year that a looked out of the shadows of my heart and stepped into the sunshine. I embraced the woman I had become. I began to look at the world around me, instead of fearing it. I once read that fear kills a man several times daily. I knew that to be true, I had died a thousand deaths. Now with the bold reserve to be an active participant, my views changed. As I slowly accepted myself, I started seeing the colors of the world. Although not as vivid as my childhood dreams, they enthralled me and begged me to take notice!

Now, my escape from reality comes from being in the moment. I relish the aches I get from watching and observing human interaction. I swoon at the look on parents faces as they dote on their children. No longer an outsider, I am a part of the society. I listen and share what people feel. I take comfort in the warm feel of my cute yorkies as they snuggle next to me and am amazed that they simply enjoy being next me. Their reaction reminds me of how awesome I am. I bask in my small victories. I have to consciously slow my thoughts down. When life gets rough and I want to revert to my daydream state, I remember how much I love being in the moment. It is with this bold sense of freedom that I march into 2012. I encourage you to do the same!       

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